In which Wolf describes how we often sabotage conversations by ending them incorrectly. Watch this episode on YouTube here: https://youtu.be/8EOpj17ygek
Every conversation, even conversations that aren't arguments or debates, are about affirming our common objective, sharing reality, and searching for higher truth. But there are so many ways that conversations can go wrong. One of the most common ways that conversations go wrong are when someone drops a "conversation stopper."
Conversation stoppers are responses in a conversation that leave it with no real way forward. People use conversation stoppers for number of reasons, but very often they're just bad habits that we picked up from others, and we don't understand why the conversation suddenly went sour and stopped, or that we might have had anything to do with it.
Conversation stoppers always send a general message to the other person that says, "I'm not interested in what you think." When someone receives this message, they're likely to feel hurt or misunderstood, and their reaction may range from direct expression of anger, to aloofness, to various escalations that can end up turning what was otherwise an everyday conversation into a fight.
In this video, I'm going to give you four categories that many common conversation stoppers fall into. But before I do, I want to give you a warning: always look for these bad habits in yourself before you apply them to anyone else. If you catch yourself doing it, stop and apologize. Let them know you don't consider it to be acceptable behavior, and that you really want to engage with what they're saying.
When someone uses a conversation stopper on you, the best advice I can give you is, don't escalate, and then give them space. When people use conversation stoppers it's often because they're feeling fatigued, preoccupied, misunderstood, or overwhelmed. Maybe they just need a break or a change in the conversation. It would be nice if they would just say that, but many people never learn how to assert their boundaries in a healthy way and instead tend to reach for conversation stoppers as a more passive way of trying to get out of the conversation.
So here are four categories of conversation stoppers to look out for.
First: Advice
A good rule of thumb is, never give advice unless you're asked for it. In general, people hate unasked-for advice. And personally, I'm particularly susceptible to this one when talking with my wife, because any problem she has becomes (in my own mind) my duty to immediately fix. Many times she does want my help with a problem, but quite often she's not actually interested in me fixing her problems or telling her what I would do, she just needs to vent. So I've tried to get in the habit of directly asking her whether she's asking me for direct help.
Next: Putdowns
Conversation, especially between intimate partners or family members, needs to feel safe because we need to be vulnerable with one another, and putdowns threaten the safety of the relationship. Putdowns can take several forms such as teasing, reminders of past failures, blame, sarcasm, or digs at a person's hobbies or pastimes. They can also take the form of dismissive statements like, "Well, that's just the way you are."
If you receive a putdown, it's best if you don't acknowledge it, and just redirect the conversation back to the topic at hand. If you feel really hurt by what was said, then take a break from the conversation and come back to it later, but try not to let the conversation get derailed into a meta-conversation about your conversation.
Next: Erasure
Erasure is any of a set of behaviors that somehow removes the other person from the conversation. One major form of erasure is when someone is obviously letting themselves become distracted and isn't really present. Perhaps they're looking at their phone, or they're wearing headphones so you can't tell whether they're actually listening, or they keep glancing at the wall clock or their wristwatch. Responses of the, "That's nice, dear," variety that don't really show presence or understanding are also in this category. Another way erasure happens is when someone turns the conversation around and starts making it about them, inserting themselves into the narrative, when it clearly wasn't at the start.
And finally, False Compliance
Sometimes when people are fatigued for frustrated with a conversation, they'll try to end it by just saying whatever it is they think you want to hear, usually accompanied by sarcastic tones.
"I don't care, you can just go hang with your friends and drink until 2:00 AM!" or something like that. Of course this sort of compliance isn't sincere, and taking the bait, "OK well then I'm going!" is likely to just lead to more misery.
What to Do
So what do you do when someone drops a conversation stopper on you? Very often when this happens you're in need of their support, and for whatever reason they're not able to provide it at the moment.
Paradoxically, conversation stoppers always contain some sort of bait that, if you (or they) take it, is likely to lead to an escalation of hostilities. It's also a bad tactic to tell someone that you just caught them using a conversation stopper: remember that they're probably feeling fatigued or overwhelmed, and telling them this is probably going to make them more defensive.
I think the best thing to do in these moments is to acknowledge your shared objective, and then actually let the conversation pause as gracefully as you can.
People sometimes use conversation stoppers as a way of avoiding problems forever. If someone you care about is doing this, at some point you might have to intervene in a stronger way to make progress. But I think most people are just pretty unskilled in how to end a conversation that isn't feeling fruitful for them in the moment.
When you're the one who wants out of a conversation, learn to recognize the feelings you have that could lead to you using a conversation stopper, and instead say something to bring the conversation to a healthier close, or at least a pause. "I know we have more to discuss on this, but I don't think I can really be present for it right now. I need to think about what you've said for a bit, and I really would like to continue; maybe later today?" Of course when you offer something like this, make sure you hold up your end of the offer.
But what do you think? Let me know in the comments, and if you found this valuable, give the video a like: It definitely helps the YouTube algorithm find other people who would like it too.
See you tomorrow!