In which Wolf explains why being selfish is the best way to help others. Watch this episode on YouTube here: https://youtu.be/6VvrOUilx7c
Selfishness has gotten a bad rap. People do a lot of thoughtless things that help themselves and harm others, and this is what most people think of as “selfishness.” And when people think of the “opposite of selfishness,” they think of “self-less-ness” or “altruism.”
Altruism is commonly thought of as helping others with no thought or expectation of reward. It might even be an act of self-sacrifice, like saving a loved one’s life at the expense of one’s own.
So if helping yourself at the expense of others is wrong, then it’s opposite, altruism, must be good. Right? Well, not exactly. Like many aspects of human behavior, there’s a shadow side to altruism, and there is indeed a “light side” of selfishness.
The idea of an act being either “selfish” or “selfless” is a false dichotomy. The word “dichotomy” comes from a Greek phrase meaning “to cut into two pieces.” A false dichotomy is when people try to make a clear distinction between two things when they are really intertwined parts of a whole.
In this case, what I mean is that an act that helps others always benefits the one who performs it. The “benefit” here doesn’t necessarily mean that there is any direct thanks or reward expected. But doing something that you feel good about, even if you do it in secret… well, you feel good, and that’s your reward. In fact, you wouldn’t do it if it didn’t make you feel good. And that right there is why there are no truly selfless acts.
Personally, I get quite suspicious when someone says they’re doing something purely for the benefit of others. No, it’s also to their benefit. They’re at least doing it because they want to do it because it makes them feel good, or maybe they’re telling that story because there’s something they want that they don’t want to talk about.
The idea that there’s anything wrong with doing something because it make you feel good is a big problem. Even in the Bible, where it tells believers to give in secret, also promises that God will see and reward them. So even in cases where the giving itself doesn’t feel that great, the idea of a future reward in heaven makes up for it.
What about the ultimate sacrifice: laying down one’s life for a loved one, or for a cause you believe in? Isn’t that completely selfless? Well, think about it. For someone to sacrifice their life, they would have to know that they would not want to live in a world where they failed to give their all. Perhaps their loved one would die when they could have intervened to save them. Perhaps a tyrant would surely end up killing millions if a few thousand don’t fight for everyone’s lives. When the stakes are absolutely life and death, knowing you did everything possible might be the only way to live with yourself, even if it means you might end up losing your own life.
OK, so what’s so good about selfishness? We’ve already seen that there’s no such thing as a selfless act. So I think people ought to acknowledge and embrace the role of the self in everything they do. In short, everything we do is, in some way, for ourselves. But even saying that will raise some eyebrows.
But I’ll take it a step further. In many cases, the only right way to act is in one’s own self-interest. When you fly on an airplane, the safety instructions you hear always say that if the cabin loses pressure, you need to put on your own oxygen mask before helping other passengers you’re with. Why? Because in that situation you may have only seconds before hypoxia overwhelms you. If you don’t put on your mask and you pass out, you can’t help anyone else, much less yourself.
In the same way, taking care of your body and psyche should be your highest priority, especially if you want to care for others. (And by the way, your “psyche” is your whole mind, not just the conscious and rational parts you usually think of as "you"). I think the simplest way of putting this is that you should love yourself. If you’re neglecting your body, or wasting your life energy on bad habits or addictions, or wallowing in fear or other negative emotions, or allowing your mind to become weak by not learning or practicing thinking deeply… and then you try to do good for others? You will quickly wear yourself down until you become physically or mentally sick and unable to help anyone, yourself included. Healthy self-love is like oxygen, and if you’re suffocating, how can you help anyone else?
People who don’t love themselves enough tend to love in needy, clingy, and sometimes abusive ways. I practice the idea that I should always love yourself first and best. I believe it is out of the overflow of healthy self-love that we are then able to authentically love others.
If you think you may have problems with loving yourself, don’t despair! The way to make big changes in your life is to start making little changes now, and day by day. I’ll have more to say about healthy self-love in future episodes.
Let me know your thoughts in the comments. Ask questions! Take care of yourself, and I’ll see you tomorrow.