In which Wolf shares six critical things you need to understand if you want to find enduring happiness. Watch this episode on YouTube here: https://youtu.be/sTTk5Ad6qEg
I've thought a lot about relationships in the past 15 years. In a previous video I talked about my unhappy marriage, my affair, my divorce, and my 10 years of dating and relationships before finding the true love of my life. So I think I've learned a few things about relationships that are worth passing on.
We're at a strange point in our cultural history. As a technologist I've always been an optimist about the benefits technology can bring us, and in many cases it's far exceeded what anyone predicted. But technology has had far-reaching negative impacts that no one could have predicted either. One of the biggest is that electronically mediated communication has now replaced much of the face-to-face communication we used to rely on, not only to exchange information but to learn how to be human with each other.
So while we now have the world's knowledge in our pockets, we also have a stream of never-ending pseudo-news, ideologies, emojis, and outrage flowing into our brains. We're more connected than ever in some ways, and more isolated than ever in others.
I'm part of Gen-X, so while it wouldn't be correct to call me a "boomer," I'm definitely getting into "old fart" territory. So if you think you've got nothing to learn from someone who's likely had more life experience than you, or if you're convinced you're a victim of circumstance and bear no actual responsibility or power over your situation, you can click away now. But if you're a Gen-Z, or Millennial, or even a Gen-X like myself, and you despair at ever finding a life partner, I think I might have a little knowledge to drop.
So here are my Top Six Reasons You Can't Find a Partner. And here's a spoiler, all of these are on you to do something about.
1. You’re not a catch.
You might already have a good idea what the perfect partner for you would be like, but the first question you have to ask before you jump into the dating pool is: even if you found them, why would they want you? And if you just jumped to the answer, "No-one would," then you've got some serious self-work to do. I'm sure you have good qualities to have made it in life this far, but do you have the package?
Abraham Maslow famously described his hierarchy of human needs, and "Belongingness and Love" is definitely on the list. But it's in the middle of the pyramid, above our physiological needs like food, shelter, and rest; and our need for safety and security (both physical and psychological.)
Of course, everyone has to deal with all of the levels of this hierarchy, and usually we're living in several at once, but if you're not spending most of your time at least here in the hierarchy, you're definitely not ready to devote yourself to a long term relationship; you need to be building friendships and social skills. And you're really not a "catch" until you're spending significant time in your life at or above this point.
So first and foremost, know what you have to offer your future partner, and the best way to do this is commit yourself to personal growth, lifelong learning, and creating value in the world.
2. They might be crazy.
There's a whole lot of crazy in the world. Between 10-13% of the population have some sort of personality disorder, and while that doesn't make a person unworthy of love, it does mean that you should be going out into the dating pool with your eyes open.
Now, I know some people are going to give me flak for using the term "crazy" in association with people with personality disorders. That's too bad for them for a couple of reasons: 1) I think words exist for useful reasons, and I'm not about to let people take words out of my lexicon just because they get offended by them, and 2) Being with a person with a personality disorder doesn't give you a personality disorder, but as the comedian Christopher Titus said, "Crazy makes you crazy."
I strongly recommend Titus' comedy concert "Love is Evol" (that's EVOL, as in LOVE spelled backwards) which is available on YouTube for free.
Part of the problem some people, like myself, have is that certain forms of crazy come across as super-attractive. In fact, my now-wife once asked me why I had allowed myself to get into relationships with several personality-disordered women before I met her. Specifically, we're talking about the so-called "Cluster B" disorders, like Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. After thinking about it, I told her: Because they're empty inside and lack what psychologists call a "true self", they've become experts at getting through life by crafting and wearing masks in public. Those are "false selves." So when you meet them, they size you up quickly and then craft a mask just for you: they appear to be everything you've always dreamt of. In other words, crazy can be super hot. But because they're just wearing a mask to hide their lack of true self, eventually the mask falls off and you find your perfect partner has turned into a toxic burn pit of pain and despair. If you're highly loyal, as I am, you will start to question your own sanity.
There are great resources out there for learning to spot personality disorders from a distance.
3. Maybe you’re crazy.
I guess this could fall under my first point, "You're not a catch." But I think it's different enough to warrant its own point. If you've repeatedly tried and failed to keep a relationship, you do have to seriously consider what you're contributing to the outcome. If you have a history of abuse, or deal with chronic addictions that don't seem to matter early in a dating relationship, but then emerge from the depths to cause problems later on, then you need to acknowledge these shortcomings and manage them carefully. You can find happiness, but not while you remain in denial.
4. You/they don’t understand or appreciate polarity.
Why do we even want or need relationships? You often hear people say (with good intentions) "My partner completes me." I get the sentiment, but the implication is that without that partner we are incomplete or broken. I think that's setting the bar way too low.
A truly good, healthy relationship gives lets us build something with our partner that we could never experience any other way. Together we create not a single whole being out of two part-beings, but an organization that is greater than either of us individually.
In this way, a truly great relationship doesn't simply add to the middle tier of Maslow's Hierarchy, it actually helps fulfill the top levels.
But what is it about the right partner that makes this alchemy possible? I think one of the biggest elements is polarity. For a relationship to be strong we need to share our deep, fundamental values with our partner, and also share some important interests as well, we need to bring complementary energies into our relationship. To be clear, I'm speaking of masculine and feminine energies: yin and yang. I don't care whether you're gay or lesbian or whatever, one of you is going to carry more yang (masculine) energy and one of you is going to carry more yin (feminine energy).
Part of our current cultural tragedy is centered around the idea of tearing down the idea of polarity in human relationships, for example by denigrating masculine nature as toxic, or asserting that a "good man" is actually a low-testosterone soy boy, or by insisting that the only worthy portrayals of women are as ball-kicking badasses that never have to deal with hardship and personal failings to become heroes.
The fact is that while men can and should be sensitive, they don't naturally express it like women. And while women can and should be awesome winners, they don't naturally express it like men.
Oh, I hear the grumbling in my audience now, "But not every..." Spare me. Pointing me at the statistical outliers: the men who become women, or vice versa, or any exception to the rule does not refute the rule. Yes we absolutely need to respect every individual's right to dignity and (once they're adults) to self-determination. But men are women in general are different, physically and psychologically, and we need to get our collective heads out of our postmodern denial and re-learn to appreciate our differences.
So if you're having a hard time finding a partner, I suggest you check that you understand and appreciate what it means to bring polarity to your relationship.
5. You don’t know yourself well enough to know what you really want.
Although the maxim "Know thyself," is most often attributed to the Greeks, I like how Sun Tzu put it in The Art of War: "Know others and know thyself, and you will not be endangered by innumerable battles."
If you don't have enough life experience to know who you really are, then you really aren't in a good position to really know other person, and you're probably going to get yourself into a lot of unnecessary battles.
So especially if you're young, get out there and experience life: develop your knowledge, your work ethic, your character. Make some lifelong friends. Travel, or at least read a lot. Learn to work out and take care of your body. Learn all you can from people who have more life experience. Develop both your professional and interpersonal "skill stacks." Learn to "adult." Set your sights on continually becoming a better, more valuable person both to yourself and others.
Whatever tone you set for your life will also be what you will attract.
You want to know what your dream partner finds super hot? I'll tell you: someone who deeply knows who they are.
6. You’re focused on sex or security, and not partnership.
As I mentioned in my discussion of polarity, your relationship is supposed to be a structure for creating greater, more fulfilling things than you could by yourself. Children might be on your path, or maybe not. But partnership should be the focus of your relationship.
Unfortunately too many people are "looking for love" because they want sex (especially if they're male) or security (especially if they're female). These drives are perfectly natural, but they can also blind us into making short-term decisions with outcomes, like unwanted pregnancy or years spent in a toxic relationship, that our future selves will look back on with regret.
So learn to focus on the big picture. As you're dating, be clear on what your values and interests are. Don't tell yourself that you're looking for a life partner when what you're really looking for is a hookup.
Dostoevsky wrote, "Above all, don't lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love."
Be clear with yourself on both who you are and what you want. And the person you're dating isn't a match, move on, and think about what you have learned about yourself.
Thomas Edison tried two thousand different materials in search of a filament for the light bulb. When none worked satisfactorily, his assistant complained, “All our work is in vain. We have learned nothing.”
Edison replied, “Oh, we have come a long way and we have learned a lot. We now know that there are two thousand elements which we cannot use to make a good light bulb.”
So to sum up:
Develop yourself into a real catch,
Don't get in bed with crazy,
If you're crazy, learn how to manage it,
Learn to appreciate masculine and feminine polarity.
Know thyself, and
Look for a real partner in life.
But what do you think? Let me know in the comments, and if you’re interested in raising the bar on your own thinking and helping the world become a more thoughtful place, please consider subscribing.
See you tomorrow!